Hello … is this Customer Services?

Hi … I am calling about Order Number 7354 which I placed on-line a few days ago.

Yes, that’s me. You got the right name and address.

Yes … the packet arrived today. Only there’s been a mistake at your despatch department. I ordered a pair of Elegant Gents shoes … no … ELEGANT Gents not eggplant. Yes … Order Number 7354.

Well … instead of two shoes I received three. No … no … not three pairs but actually three shoes. Yes, I’m sure. I have them here in front of me. Let me count them out loud for you … one … two … three. I have three shoes.

Let me explain what is wrong with them.

I have one left shoe. It is an Elegant Gents model. It is size 10. It is black. I love it. The despatch department at your end met all the requirements of my Order Number 7354 as far as the left shoe is concerned. If your firm gave awards for meeting the customer’s order requirements then your despatch people deserve an award as far as the left shoe is concerned.

Not so for the right shoe I’m afraid. This shoe is a totally different model the name of which I do not know nor do I care. It is size 8. Thus being the wrong size and too small to wear. Also it is brown and not black as ordered. So it fails on all counts as ordered by me on-line; and your despatch department deserves to loose the award they would have received for the left shoe.

The third shoe? Well … the third shoe fails on more counts one would wish to consider, had one the time to do so and not having lost the will to live.

For a start … it is surplus to requirements. I do not need a third shoe. Not unless I had a third leg in-between my existing legs instead of my dangling bits.

Secondly, the third shoe, which is surplus to requirements is a left shoe … not that it matters since I already have a perfect left shoe as ordered.

It is size 7 and it is white. It also has a high heel, it being a lady’s shoe and not a man’s shoe remotely resembling the Elegant Gents model as shown on your website.

So all in all your despatch department has only got half the order correct as compared to what I requested. Or 33.3% correct if you account for the additional shoe which, as I said, is surplus to requirements and will not be hanging between my legs.

Hello … hello … are you still there? You went silent for a moment and I heard a stifled sound as if you were not taking me seriously.

I see … Let me see if I understand what you are saying. You will cancel Order Number 7354 altogether and you will refund my credit card for the full amount paid so I am not out of pocket. That’s very decent of you. Is that you laughing, again?

So … What do I do with the shoes you sent me? What … you don’t want them back? You mean I can keep them and no need to return them?

Well … thanks … I’ll use the two men’s shoes as plant pots for my geraniums. I’ve still to decide what to do with the lady’s shoe!

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